Nightmares and Reality
by galaxyprince
Summary: Sometimes nightmares are the scariest thing a person can experience, but sometimes the reality of falling in love is even scarier.


Dan's heart was always in the right place. He may not be a perfect human being, but he tries. He may tap his fingers to certain rhythms, sing in the shower, and chew on pencils. He may borrow Phil's clothes and panic when Phil asks about it, throwing them behind various furniture items only for them to 'mysteriously' resurface somewhere way later. He thought that Phil didn't know, but when Phil got his clothes back they always smelled like Dan. So yeah, Dan Howell wasn't perfect. He put on a fake smile to the people around him on the days when he was feeling down, but some days he couldn't even manage that, so he didn't leave his room. Tonight, however, was something he had never experienced before.

That night he woke up and felt like absolute shit. He felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, like his throat had been rubbed with sandpaper, like his lungs were constricted with rubber bands. He had a nightmare about Phil, a nightmare where Phil left in the middle of the night because he and Dan got into a fight over something stupid. Dan had sat up, breathing heavily, his cheeks stained with tears. He pulled his knees to his chest and looked out the window at the rain. Usually he kept his curtains closed, but he hadn't that night, hoping maybe the sun would wake him up in the morning. He considered walking to Phil's room to make sure it really was just a dream, that Phil was still here, but he decided against it since his legs felt like they were made of lead, and his lungs were struggling to find the air they needed to inflate. He didn't feel like he was completely in his body, he didn't feel like the world was real. His mind was still tied to the nightmare, the vision of Phil's back as he walked out the door and never returned. Dan didn't go back to sleep after that. He sat in the darkness, scared to allow his mind to take over again, scared to give power to something that could destroy him in seconds. The dark threatened to envelop him, to pull him in and never let him return to the light.

Dan hated the dark, he hated how helpless it made him feel, he hated how it made it seem like the world was ready to eat him alive. He rolled over and unlocked his phone, opening twitter and refreshing it every three seconds just to read the same tweet over again. Nobody was awake at this hour, so nothing new was being posted. He decided to speak to twitter, knowing hardly anyone would see it.

"_The darkness is eating me alive, my own mind won't let me go, it won't let me be free. Don't leave me."_

He sent the tweet. Most people would think he was just having another existential crisis, like always. He refreshed his feed again, reading his own words over, and over, and over, and over, and over. There was a knock at the door. Dan jumped and dropped his phone down the side of the bed, startling him again as it hit the wall and the nightstand before landing on the floor. "Y-yes?" He stuttered out, trying to detangle himself from the duvet and go answer the door. His legs were trapped, however, and as he frantically tried to get them free he rolled off the bed and landed with a loud 'thud' on the floor. Phil opened the door.

"Dan, are you alright?" He walked over to the side of the bed that Dan had fallen off of and offered him a hand up.

"Yeah, yeah," Dan took his hand and Phil pulled him to his feet. "I'm fine, just… admiring the carpet," Dan said sarcastically, forcing out a smile.

"Is that your final answer?" Phil's eyes darted over Dan's face. Phil knew that tweet wasn't an existential crisis tweet, it was a cry for help. He wouldn't pry if Dan didn't want him to, but he wanted Dan to know he was there if he was needed.

"Yes, I'm absolutely sure. Just having one of those crisis things," Dan laughed, pulling the duvet off the floor and throwing it back onto the bed. Phil frowned. _Don't you lie to me, Dan Howell; I can read you like a book, and I know that's not what it is._

Dan knew that Phil knew that he was lying, and his heart tightened in his chest. He thought Phil was going to make him tell him what was wrong. Dan didn't want to bring it up. He didn't want Phil to know that he thought Phil would leave him. He frowned and his face contorted into a pained expression. He was not hiding anything, not the way he felt nor what he was thinking. Dan expected to have to explain everything.

"Okay," Phil left it at that. He nodded and turned to walk back to his own room. "Let me know if there's anything I can do."

Dan nodded, surprised, but also happy. Phil was his best friend, he wouldn't force anything out of Dan unless Dan really wanted to tell him. Phil respected Dan like that. "Oh, Phil?"

"Yeah?" Phil turned back to look at Dan.

"Why are you awake?" Dan reached down into the crack between the bed and the nightstand to retrieve his phone. Phil tried to come up with a lie quickly. He couldn't tell Dan that he was still awake because he had been editing a video. Couldn't tell him that as he was editing he watched the same clip over and over again. Couldn't tell him the clip was of Dan looking at him with eyes more full of love and admiration than anyone had ever shown him. Couldn't tell Dan that he was falling in love with him.

"Just… sucked into Animal Crossing again. You know what that game does to me," Phil smiled and walked out. "Goodnight, Daniel."

"'Night, Philly."

[So, that was chapter one of my first published story ! I'm still a bit nervous about actually posting it because I've never posted a fanfic before, but I hope its at least somewhat decent, and chapter two will be up soon .0. ]


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